After having started the year on a rolling high, already breaking several PBs and enroute to breaking a few more, the accident was like being knocked down by an anvil dropped from nowhere. Until now, I still wonder if it's a nightmare that I'll eventually wake up from.
From a suspected shoulder dislocation at the race site, to a 2-part humeral fracture at the A&E and then the eventual diagnosis of a 4-part fracture, looking back, those few days were really really bad. I had be in a state of shock, because I only recall being dazed most of the time. In fact, it continued to be like that until an hour before the surgery. Having spent 5 hours in the operating theatre, my worries were not over yet. There was a chance that there would be complications, avascular necrosis (aka AVN, death of the bone). If that were to happen, my doc will have to cut me up again and insert an artificial bone replacement, which only have a lifespan of 20-30 years. After which, I got to be operated on again to replace the replacement! Certainly not a good idea.
Alright, so far, there is no signs of AVN occurring. And the chances of it happening is reducing as time passes. I was told that there is nothing much that I can do to improve my chances. It's all happening at the sub-cellular level, on how well the blood vessels in my bone reconnect themselves back. Even so, I cannot just sit there and leave it to fate. On doctors' advice, I increased my milk intake and consume more anti-oxidants. I'm a strong believer of the power of self-fulfilling prophecies; I willed my blood cells to work harder to perform all the internal repair work; I willed myself to believe that I will recover enough to achieve the improbable goal of attempting my 9th marathon on 4 Dec 2011.
The initial goal was just to be fit enough to be at the starting line. There was too many unknowns at that point in time; can I still run? when can I start running? will I have even enough time to train? will my arm be able to take the punishment of a 42km? Alright, granted that it is not my lower limbs that is injured, but still it is a major fracture and coupled with its risk of complications. Certainly I don't want to increase the chances of realising the complications.
Oh well, I'm not entirely cleared of the complications yet, but at least my doc has cleared me of it at the 3-month mark. The next check will be at the 6month mark. Then, amid the good news from the doctor, I don't remember him giving me the go-ahead to do my marathon, I mainly remember him telling me that I'll not set off the metal detector at airports. Funny right? Perhaps my mind was already made up about being part of the 4 Dec race.
A little known situation, I also hurt my jaw during the accident. I'm still unable to open my mouth beyond the girth of 3 fingers. During the initial stages, I remember trying to bite into a XiaoLongBao and found it difficult and painful. I consulted a dental surgeon then. When I first described the accident to him, his initial analysis was that I could have fractured my jaw joint. What?! Another fracture?!! Alright life, throw me what have you! I can take it. After the x-ray, the diagnosis wasn't all that bad. I had merely hurt the joint, though badly. And it will take a while before it would clear up. Well, it has been 3 months since the visit, and I guess it is still recovering.
Where was I? Oh yeah, about having made up my mind to do the 42km. Physiotherapy has also just started for about a month and I can just about swing my arm naturally enough without pain. No pain, but it felt funny, certainly different, certainly easily tired.
I started to jog a little, at first 50m, then 100m, and then 400m. One day in September, I just gather up enough courage and attempted a 1km. After 2 months of no running, 1km is difficult. I've lost the speed that I had during GCAM, and I am breathing harder, and sooner too. All these while, I was unsure if I would be fit enough for 4 Dec, and also if my arm would allow me to.
The uncertainty continues even as I progressed to 2km, 5km and then 10km during training. Even though I completed the Newton 30km with not too bad results, the question still lingers. Am I pushing too hard? Can my arm take it? Can I handle it?
My family doctor is also into endurance events, and often times when I have to visit him at his clinic, we'll chat about our next races besides official matters. One night after my run, I bumped into him. I told him that I'm not too sure if I can handle the 42. He assured me that I shouldn't have any problem as my foundation will be still there. Thanks for the boost of confidence, though what hit me next wasn't that positive.
Getting back to work in November didn't help at all. I had lesser time to run, lesser time for physio too. Perhaps I was trying hard to time manage all my activities and have everything still fit in, I start not to feel good for my runs. With less than 3 weeks to race day and not having put in any more than 5km since the Newton, I made a decision to just lay off for 1 week. No running, not even to think about running. I don't want to go into the 42k with a heavy heart and not being able to enjoy it.
The initial goal was just to be fit enough to be at the starting line. There was too many unknowns at that point in time; can I still run? when can I start running? will I have even enough time to train? will my arm be able to take the punishment of a 42km? Alright, granted that it is not my lower limbs that is injured, but still it is a major fracture and coupled with its risk of complications. Certainly I don't want to increase the chances of realising the complications.
Oh well, I'm not entirely cleared of the complications yet, but at least my doc has cleared me of it at the 3-month mark. The next check will be at the 6month mark. Then, amid the good news from the doctor, I don't remember him giving me the go-ahead to do my marathon, I mainly remember him telling me that I'll not set off the metal detector at airports. Funny right? Perhaps my mind was already made up about being part of the 4 Dec race.
A little known situation, I also hurt my jaw during the accident. I'm still unable to open my mouth beyond the girth of 3 fingers. During the initial stages, I remember trying to bite into a XiaoLongBao and found it difficult and painful. I consulted a dental surgeon then. When I first described the accident to him, his initial analysis was that I could have fractured my jaw joint. What?! Another fracture?!! Alright life, throw me what have you! I can take it. After the x-ray, the diagnosis wasn't all that bad. I had merely hurt the joint, though badly. And it will take a while before it would clear up. Well, it has been 3 months since the visit, and I guess it is still recovering.
Where was I? Oh yeah, about having made up my mind to do the 42km. Physiotherapy has also just started for about a month and I can just about swing my arm naturally enough without pain. No pain, but it felt funny, certainly different, certainly easily tired.
I started to jog a little, at first 50m, then 100m, and then 400m. One day in September, I just gather up enough courage and attempted a 1km. After 2 months of no running, 1km is difficult. I've lost the speed that I had during GCAM, and I am breathing harder, and sooner too. All these while, I was unsure if I would be fit enough for 4 Dec, and also if my arm would allow me to.
The uncertainty continues even as I progressed to 2km, 5km and then 10km during training. Even though I completed the Newton 30km with not too bad results, the question still lingers. Am I pushing too hard? Can my arm take it? Can I handle it?
My family doctor is also into endurance events, and often times when I have to visit him at his clinic, we'll chat about our next races besides official matters. One night after my run, I bumped into him. I told him that I'm not too sure if I can handle the 42. He assured me that I shouldn't have any problem as my foundation will be still there. Thanks for the boost of confidence, though what hit me next wasn't that positive.
Getting back to work in November didn't help at all. I had lesser time to run, lesser time for physio too. Perhaps I was trying hard to time manage all my activities and have everything still fit in, I start not to feel good for my runs. With less than 3 weeks to race day and not having put in any more than 5km since the Newton, I made a decision to just lay off for 1 week. No running, not even to think about running. I don't want to go into the 42k with a heavy heart and not being able to enjoy it.
10 days before race day, I restarted running. Progressing from 5km to 10km, the feeling was not exactly fantastic, but at least the strong no-good feeling is no longer there.
It is interesting actually. I was no longer worried if my arm can take the punishment. I know I'm still very concerned about it, but I'm not bothered by it. I realised I'm moving automatically into the mental preparation phase for the race.
The entire race was like a dream, literally. I remember very clearly the events before and after the race, but recall nothing much about what happened during it. In fact, I had a hard time writing up the race report. It felt like my mind, not my legs, was running. It was purely focused on the running while the body is just somewhere else. Disassociation, that's what they termed it, and I think I had a quite extreme experience of it.
4 Dec came and went. I achieved what was unimaginable in August. I had a new-found respect for my self-fulfilling prophecy belief. If you believe strongly enough that something can be done, it will be done. Of course, the necessary effort and hardwork is still required to be put in. But your mind can help bridge any shortfalls in the physical preparation. Not been running for 2 months, and only having 2 months to prepare for 42km, it is an incredulous ramp up to crossing the finishing line.
With an office deadline to meet on 21 Dec, I have mostly slogged at work and have not pound the pavements since 4 Dec. My mind is also back to worrying about my 4-part fracture and AVN. I'm now looking forward to having my doctor's review in January, to hearing good news that there are still no signs of AVN.
My race calendar for 2012 is still empty. Before Osim, I had plans to do the Aviva in 2012. That will have to wait. To swim in open water (safely) and to overcome my phobia of getting onto a bike, I have to conquer these challenges before I can even hope to be the triathlete that I once was. To complete my 4 Dec Marathon was much easier in comparison.
I have said openly that I did the 4 Dec marathon to prove to myself and friends that it can be done. As long as if you put your mind to it, nothing is insurmountable. Yes, that is true. But I start to realise that I'm perhaps using it as a means to cope with my deep sense of loss.
As the year comes to a close, and the supposed Maya-predicted end-of-the-world year starts, I will look forward to a brand new start. If the nightmare is real, let it be.
The sun come up, Tomorrow, Bet your bottom dollar that Tomorrow, There'll be sun.
I'm just thinking about Tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow, till there's none.
Blue skies, smiling at me. Nothing but blue skies, do I see :-)
Cheers!
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